2nd Hospitalization and a little bit of hope

Romans 8:26
...for the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
...groans that words cannot express

November 13th 2010-
Today I haven't felt Hope move. I tried eating, drinking juice and some water and it didn't work. It was still really hard to eat or drink enough. All I could think was my worst fear of Hope passing before delivery was possibly coming true. So Ernie and I decided it would be best to go over to the hospital to be monitored and make sure Hope was ok. It was such an unsettling drive to the hospital. When we were going over the bumps it felt like my belly was just sloshing around. It didn't feel right. I was so afraid she would pass away before we got to our due date. The most horrible worry and fear to have. Once we got there I was monitored some. We got to hear Hope's heartbeat. I felt a lot better after that. She was still holding on. Then the nurse started an IV. I was dehydrated. So she put a whole bag of fluids into me within an hour. I'm not sure why but there had been some talk of having a c-section so I wasn't allowed to eat or drink.

November 14th 2010-
Today my doctor was coming in to see how I was doing and to do an ultrasound to see how Hope was doing too. My best friend Kristen came up to the hospital to be with Ernie and I. Dr. V I'll call him, came in around 5pm. He used the hospital ultrasound machine. He decided we would do steriod shots to help Hope's lungs. I would have 1, then 12 hours later have the 2nd shot. Dr. V had talked like we might try to deliver her early. Ernie and I talked about either continuing on carrying Hope as long as possible or trying to deliver Hope to see if there would be anything that could be done to help her. I was at the point where I really wasn't able to eat much at all, I never felt good, I even had a hard time drinking the amount of fluids I was suppose to drink and it was getting to the point where I would probably have to stay in the hospital until Hope was born and my due date was still 2 months away.

November 15th 2010-
Kristen and I waited around today for Dr. V to come see me. He came around 5 again. He brought his nurses and ultrasound machine with him. The nurses got to my room first. His ultrasound tech started the scan while we were waiting for him. He had some preliminary results from the amnio. He told us that none of this was a chromosome problem which was fantastic news. But it would still be a little longer for the full results. Then Dr. V did the rest of the ultrasound. I had asked the nurse before Dr. V was there if they are able to see any type of respitory function on ultrasounds and she said no, not with ultrasound. But when Dr. V was doing the scan and looking at Hope and showing me how much she moves he got a little excited because he saw some movement of her chest wall which suggested some lung function and he pointed it out to the nurses! (This was a glimmer of hope we so wanted.) While he continued the scan I was talking to him about going ahead and delivering Hope to see what the doctors could do to help her. He said we should try and keep her in as long as possible to give her lungs every chance to develop. That we didn't want to add prematurity to an already sick baby. It really seemed like she was doing at least a little better and had a chance to be ok. He wanted me to keep Hope in at least until 36 weeks. Past that he said would be awesome!
So after we saw Dr. V I had a renewed resolution to keep Hope in as long as I could. No matter how hard it would be or how bad I wanted to be able to eat or be comfortable, Hope was my #1 concern and I would do everything I could to give my baby what she needed!
I had talked to Dr. V about being able to go home and he said I might have to stay in the hospital until it was time to deliver. My thoughts were that I couldn't stay in the hospital away from Becca, Angela, Audrey and Ernie. His reasoning was so Hope could be monitored everyday and if her health started to decline they could deliver ASAP. Because I had told him I was afraid of her passing away inside of me. He said I could go home as long as I could keep fluids going and eat. But to come back if anything was wrong. I stayed that night and saw my other doctor, Dr. J the next day.

November 16th 2010-
Dr. J came in to see me around 11am. We were so glad she came early. We talked about the results of the ultrasound the day before with Dr. V. And talked about me going home. She said I could but she wanted to see me every Monday. She said I could call her if I started getting uncomfortable again so we could do another fluid drain. Before we left, Kristen and I got to meet Dr. Delion who is one of the neonatalogists at the hospital. (Ernie was able to get some work done while Kristen stayed with me and mom was with the kids.) Dr. Delion talked about what they would do to help Hope after she was born. He said some pretty healthy babies could decline fast and babies that are pretty sick can be fighters. So we just didn't know what could happen until Hope was born. He said they would do everything they could for her.

November 18th 2010-
Since I was home mom, Lil E and I were going to go have Thanksgiving lunch with Angela. It was nice being able to spend time with her. Afterwards we went to Walmart to pick up some stuff. On the way Mercy Me's song I Can Only Imagine came on the radio. I tried to sing it but all I could do was cry. I was overcome by emotions. I told mom that Hope would possibly experience what is in the song soon. That she would possibly be singing praise to the Almighty.
When we got home I relaxed. I went to the bathroom and had some bloody discharge. I didn't think much of it until I went again and there was more. I talked to mom and Ernie about it and decided to call Dr. J and let her know. She said it sounds like some of my mucus plug was starting to come out and told me to take it easy and watch for a gush or trickle of water. When I went to bed I was having some cramping but didn't think anything of it because usually when I went to sleep the cramping would stop. With all of the excess fluid I had gotten pretty used to cramping.
(Looking back now #1 I wish I had stayed in the hospital a couple more days and #2 I should have headed to the hospital when I started having the discharge.) So we all went to bed not having any idea that Hope's birth was upon us...

My next post will be about Hope's birth.

"Sometimes He calms the storm, with a whisper peace, be still. He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild! Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child."
~Sometimes He Calms The Storm by Scott Krippayne

Our 2nd Level 3 Ultrasound

So this blog post has been the hardest to write so far. I saw this morning I haven't
blogged since March. It's been sitting in this draft folder for a while now. I kind of feel
like it's repetitive of what I posted before. I seem to have some kind of block about the
appointment we had with the genetic counselor. I'm having a really hard time taking
myself back to that moment. I wrote a journal entry the same day after we got home
from the appointment. But I didn't go into a lot of detail about what was said...I'm not
sure I remember most of it. I remember going in there feeling like something had
changed for the better, hoping among all hopes that my baby was better. But hearing
that things were worse than before was terrible. I wanted her to be ok. I guess looking
back now it was really hitting me that I wasn't going to be able to bring my baby home
with us.

"Butterflies are the stained glass windows of summer, shining in gentleness and grace,
lighter than the wind and brighter then the sun."

Life has so many pleasures and joys, sometimes in the smallest creatures we can find
the most beauty.

11/4/2010 2nd Level 3 Ultrasound
Today is the day we see the Genetic Counselor and have another ultrasound to see how
Hope is doing. My mom and best friend Kristen are here to go with us. It turned out to
be a very hard morning. Hope has shown 2 weeks worth of growth which is great but
still has all the problems she had before plus a couple extras that were noticed. While I
was having the ulrasound I almost passed out from laying on my back for too long. The
fluid has increased unfortunately.
After the ultrasound we met with the doctor (Genetic Counselor). He said they
couldn't see Hope's stomach and that her anus was enlarged. Her "plumbing" might not
be working right. They aren't very optimistic about her surviving after birth and
possibly not even to delivery day.
I really went in there thinking things had changed. The doctor said since we had an
appointment with a high risk doctor we wouldn't have anymore ultrasounds with them.
But that they were there if we needed them. That they were a resource for us.
It's so hard taking all of that in. At this point I've realized we need to prepare ourselves
for what could happen. Possibly having to say goodbye to our baby. I've started to
question if it's because I don't have enough faith. But above all, God has a plan.

11/6 & 7/2010
The weekend was long. The amniotic fluid is making me so uncomfortable. I called the
high risk doctors office to see if I could get an appointment sooner than the 17th. I
called them on Friday the 5th. So they rescheduled me for November 8th at 3:00
instead. I was so glad. I told them I wanted to come in to see about getting fluid
drained because I was so uncomfortable. It actually got to the point where it felt like
the inside top of my uterus was tearing. It hurt. I was so glad they rescheduled my
appointment. All I had to do was get through the weekend.
As I had previously said in my last post we had decided against an amnio so we
wouldn't have to add prematurity on top of everything else that was going on. But at
this point the fluid had built up so much and was causing me pain and I wasn't able to
eat, drink enough or even sit normally. So we decided it was time to see what could be
done. We knew my uterus wouldn't be able to hold out much longer with the pressure
from the fluid. And I wasn't able to stay hydrated or eat. My mom was extremely
worried at this point.

11/8/2010 First appointment with high risk doctor. This is where everything started
getting crazy.
When we got to the appointment it took a while to be called back. We went into an
office with a nurse and answered some questions. Mostly about my health history and
all of my previous pregnancies. Then she took us into an ultrasound room. We got to
watch the whole ultrasound on a TV. It was neat. The tech was very fast. When she
was done we waited a couple minutes to see Dr. Johnson. She came in to explain that
we have a very sick baby. She asked if we had already heard all that she told us and we
said yes. I told her we had seen the genetic counselor 2 times. She talked about the
possible results of the gentic testing. If it came back that Hope had a chromosome
problem then there was nothing they would do to try and help her after she was born.
But if it was genetic then they would do all they could. We let her know that no matter
what we wanted everything possible done to help our baby. But if it came down to it we
wanted every second possible with her. We wanted her to be in our arms if Jesus was
to call her home. We also asked about a c-section. She wasn't sure yet if we would need
one. That we would know more once the results of the amnio came back. She said
if Hope had a chomosome problem they would have me deliver vaginally and Hope
would most likely pass during delivery. That wasn't ok with us. I told her that no matter
what I wanted to have a c-section to give Hope the best chance possible. I would not
have her pass away during delivery if I could help it. Even just to have a few precious
moments with her. Whatever amount of time I could get I would take!
She let us know she would do an amnio today to get fluid for the genetic testing and
that she would drain quite a bit to make me more comfortable. I was relieved we didn't
have to schedule another appointment to get it done. The nurse got everything ready.
Dr. Johnson and the ultrasound tech came back in. They decided on the best spot to
drain the fluid from. Then came the needle through the skin and everything else.
She told me there was a chance that my water could break when they put the needle
through. Since I had so much fluid and my bag of water was so full. Thank God it
didn't. After she got the fluid for the testing she continued to drain fluid. She didn't get
much out before I felt like I was going to throw up. I did. She said she was going to
remove the tube and stop the draining because she couldn't keep going with me
throwing up. That the throwing up is a sign of labor. Unfortunately, not much was
drained. She had me turn on my left side to try and recover. But I had this continual
tightening all over my uterus and started having cramping that was spreading across
my lower back. So, Dr. Johnson decided to send me over to the hospital to be
monitored. Her and the nurse talked about having me stay at the hospital until
Wednesday when she wanted to drain more fluid to make me more comfortable. So we
headed over to the hospital. We found out too that this was the hospital that she delivers
so this would be where Hope was going to be born.
Once we got to the hospital they put me into my own room. They figured Dr. Johnson
would want me to stay. They hooked me up to the monitors. I was having contractions
and was in some pain. They started me on Breathine to stop the contractions. It started
out with 3 shots for the next 3 hours and then pills every 3 hours after that to wipe out
the contractions. The shots made my heart race. The plan was to try and drain more
fluid on Wednesday. I needed some time to recover and get the contractions under
control. Also, they couldn't keep Hope on the monitor because she was moving around
so much. Dr. Johnson was surprised she moved so much. So they would just come in
and spot check her every 4 hours. Thankfully the contractions were stopped.
They had the baby warming table in the room and the little moving bed they put the
baby in in the bathroom. Those were very hard to look at. I probably should have asked
them to take them out.

11/10/2011 30 weeks pregnant Second try at draining fluid
Dr. Johnson, her nurses and an ultrasound tech came in around lunch time to try and
drain more fluid. But she called ahead to make sure I was given some Stadol in my IV
to help me get through the amnio. It started working immediately. My eyes got really
heavy and I was really warm. I was laying there with my eyes closed still listening
to everything when Dr. Johnson came in and said "Wow, asleep already" to Ernie.
I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "Not quite". It was pretty funny. So they
started the draining. I asked if I could see what it looks like and they said yes. My
favorite nurse said it looks like Shiner Bock and we all laughed except Dr. Johnson.
She didn't know what Shiner was. So the nurses told her. I was talking and joking with
them through the whole thing. It started to hurt some and she asked me if I wanted her
to stop. I said no, that I have a pretty high pain tolerance and she agreed. They took
out 1 and a half liters of amniotic fluid! After this I was released to go home even
though I was throwing up quite a bit. I was put on bedrest to recover from the
amnio.
I was happy to be going home. On our drive home from the hospital we were listening
to the local christian music station. There was somone who called in and the DJ was
reading Footprints In The Sand. I have heard it many times yet this time it really touched
me. Right now on the beach of my life there is 1 set of footprints and those belong to
Jesus. He is carrying me through all that is going on right now with us and Hope. When
I heard it I just started crying. I couldn't help it. The floodgates opened and all these
built up emotions just came out. It felt good to cry and know Jesus was with me. Plus
I really missed my kids. So I was anxious to see them and hug them. Also, I didn't
really feel or look like my tummy was much smaller after the fluid was drained. But
I was a little more comfortable.

Psalms 139:13-17
For You formed my inward parts. You covered me in my mothers womb. I will praise
You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my
soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret
and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance
being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for
me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious are Your thoughts for me O
God! How great is the sum of them.

In my next post I will write about the next hospitalization
because I wasn't feeling Hope move.

1st Level 3 Ultrasound Poor Diagnoses

October 22nd 2010: 1st Level 3 Ultrasound
We woke up at 5:30am to get ready for my appointment. Becca, Angela and Audrey were still out of school because of the Jim Wells County Fair so they and little Ernie would be staying at my sister in laws during the appointment. We picked up my hubby on the way. He went to work early so he could open the shop. On the drive there, I thought the worst part would be finding out our baby indeed had down syndrome and possibly to what degree it would affect her quality of life. I was pretty nervous. We dropped the kids off at my sister in laws and went to the doctors office that was less than 5 minutes from where she lived. When we got there I filled out the paperwork and didn't have to wait very long before we were called back. The ultrasound tech was very nice. She answered the questions she could. She asked what we knew about the baby so far and we said the extra skin fold on the back of her neck and her thigh bones being short and that she might have down syndrome. Almost immediately she asked if anything had been said about a clubbed foot. Our babies left foot is clubbed. She looked at her mouth 4 or 5 times and said she wasn't closing her mouth. Which meant she wasn't swallowing properly. She kept her hands up by her mouth so it was hard to see that area. She said there might be something wrong with her chin too. But once again it was too hard to tell for sure with her hands there. I like to think about this and know that she already knew what was comfortable and where she liked her hands to be. I have the ultrasound picture with her hands like that and it looks like she's praying.

Continuing on, she has edema on almost all of her body.Which is fluid built up under the skin. Her chest is very small, they called it bell shaped and her heart takes up most of the room in her chest. Her arms and legs are very small. Her head measured at 31 weeks where her extremities measured at 22-26 weeks.
The doctor was out of the country. So after the ultrasound we met with one of the counselors to talk about the results of the ultrasound. And the crazy thing is I actually know her. Our daughters played together when we lived in Corpus. I had no idea she worked there. But I was so relieved we were able to talk with a friend, not just someone we didn't know. She told us our baby could have a genetic problem. Maybe even missing a chromosome or having to many. She suggested an amniocentesis to test for genetic abnormalities. She talked about her chest and lungs. She said since her chest is so small it could mean her lungs haven't developed properly if at all. So the best thing would be for her to stay in as long as possible to give her lungs time to hopefully develop. At this point hearing that she has down syndrome would be amazing! Her diagnosis is much worse. We also went over both of our families medical histories and scheduled the amnio and our next Level 3 ultrasound for 2 weeks later. When we were done I went in the bathroom and cried. I felt like throwing up. Like I was all of a sudden living in this bubble. I wasn't even sure I could walk out to the truck. I just sat there and cried and my hubby hugged me. We talked and prayed for our baby. I called my mom and told her. She told my dad and sister. We went to pick up the kids and my sister in law asked how it went and I had to tell her our baby, her niece, most likely wasn't going to live. I was numb the rest of the day. Emotionally drained. It felt like the whole world was spinning aroung me and had no intention to slow down for us. I had talked to a bunch of family members. Relaying the same information over and over again. It never felt like it was me talking. It's amazing the stupid things people will say! But the amazing people I will always be so grateful for! My best friend drove 3 hours to come spend the weekend with us. So she could be with me. So I could talk and cry. I am forever thankful for you Kristen!! And my mom and dad were in the process of getting my mom here to help and be with us.

October 23rd 2010 - The day we named our baby
This morning we woke up and my hubby told me he had a name for our baby. Hope. It fit her perfectly!! So her name is Hope Elna Lockhart. He had dreamed about it. I shared her name with Kristen and she had said something to me the night before. She said "You just need to hold onto hope." And she liked the name Hope. Then I told my sister and her and my brother in law Erik had thought of Hope also. I love that so many of us thought of that name and that Daddy named his little girl!

October 25th 2010 -
Today I called the genetic counselor to tell her I wouldn't be having the amniocentesis. Since the best thing for Hope is to stay in utero as long as possible then we don't want to take the risk of premature labor from the amnio. We are putting our trust in God not some test. So she told me that her and the ultrasound tech were talking about the edema and that one reason could be that Hope's heart isn't working very well and that her heart could be enlarged. And that could mean she could pass even before delivery. That there could be a day when Hope stopped moving. Those were hard words to hear. So I told her that Hope moves a lot and she said that it was good. She also let me know that the doctor was still out of the country but would be back for my next appointment.
After hearing that Hope might stop moving, I became even more thankful for every movement from Hope. Every nudge that let me know she was still ok and still holding on.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you.

1 Peter 1:25
But the word of the Lord endures.

From Kirsten:11-1-2010
It is only by thinking about great and good things that we come to love them, and it is only by longing for them that we come to long for them, and it is only by longing for them that we are impelled to seek after them and it is only by seeking after them that they become ours.

In my next post I will go over our 2nd Level 3 ultrasound and what happened when we finally were able to meet with the Genetic counselor who was out of the country.

The Beginning

We found out in May 2010 that we were expecting our 5th child. I woke up one morning feeling different. I told my hubby that I was pretty sure I was pregnant. This feeling was familiar. Like I'd felt it 4 times before. Which I had with my other 4 children. So we waited until it was the right time and I took a couple of pregnancy tests. Positives!
So the first thing to do was to get some insurance so I could start prenatal care. I applied for CHIP and Medicaid and was denied over and over again until I was 26 weeks pregnant. I was finally accepted and made an appointment for October 13th. In the meantime we bought a doppler from Babies R Us and tried to listen to the babies heartbeat that way. I was never quite sure I could hear it. I figured I wasn't using the doppler right. I remember having multiple conversations with my mom and told her that even IF there was something wrong with our baby it didn't matter. This was our child no matter what and nothing that could possibly happen would make me end the pregnancy or feel any different. Which she of course completely agreed with me.
~ October 13th 2010 ~
My husband Ernest, myself and our son Ernest went to my appointment while the girls were in school.We got in pretty quick. We listened to the heartbeat and Dr. Lopez asked all the questions and then measured my belly. He said I was measuring at 37-38 weeks and asked if I was sure about my last period. I had never been wrong with my other 4 pregnancies so it was unlikely I was now. But, who knew. So he said I made it to 1 appointment and said if i think I'm in labor to get over to the hospital. Then he decided he wanted an emergency ultrasound done ASAP and to see him again in a week if I even made it that long. So the things that start going through our minds are ok, it's really time to start getting ready for baby. We needed a car seat, breast pump, diapers and other things, but were going to wait for the majority of that stuff until after baby was born. We were going to wait to find out what we were having. We have never waited. So we thought it would be fun.
We were sent right over to the hospital for the ultrasound. I was so excited I was finally going to see my baby!!! This turned out to be one of the longest ultrasounds I have ever had. And the whole time it never crossed my mind that something was wrong. The ultrasound tech said he was having a hard time getting the measurements he needed because of how the baby was laying. Something urged me to ask if he could tell what we were having. He said he couldn't tell for sure be he thought baby was a girl. We were totally okay with that. 4 girls and 1 boy. We are good at making girls. He never said anything about my due date or if I was further along. There really wasn't a whole lot said from him at all. But now I've come to know they can't say anything about what they find. It has to be done by the doctor. All I knew was I was already getting pretty uncomfortable. I couldn't eat much or lean forward very far. It felt better to lean back or lay down. On my way home from the ultrasound the doctors office called me and told me to make sure I didn't miss my next appointment. I told them of course I would be there. This was the first time that small voice said something could be wrong. Otherwise, why would they call and tell me not to miss my next appointment? But, I told myself it was probably nothing and they just wanted to make sure I was there. A couple days later I went to Walmart and bought some outfits for a newborn girl, some socks, mittens, a precious ultra soft blanket, booties, baby soap and A&D ointment. I just had to. I am so glad I did because these have become so special to me.
~ October 20th 2010 ~
For this appointment the girls were all out of school. So the kids and I drove to the doctors office and my hubby met us there.We decided he would take the kids to the park while I was at the doctor. I was getting a pap and all that stuff so I didn't want the kids there. So once all that was done the doctor said there were 3 things from the ultrasound we had the week before that he wanted to talk to me about. The first was that I had excess amniotic fluid called hydramnios. He said it's very common. Second, the baby had an extra skin fold on the back of her neck and third, her thigh bones were shorter than they should be. These 2 things together suggested the possibility of a down syndrome baby. He also gave us a new due date of January 5th. My due date changed multiple times until they finally settled on my original date of January 19th 2011.
I held it together until the doctor left and was getting dressed. I called my hubby and told him he needed to come back now. I couldn't talk. I went to the scheduling desk and they were in the process of getting me an appointment with a genetic counselor. In the meantime my hubby came in and asked what was wrong. I told him our baby possibly had down syndrome and that we were getting an appointment with a genetic counselor where they woud do a Level 3 ultrasound. But to be totally honest, I was upset at for a little while but to me, having a down syndrome child wasn't bad. I have always had a heart for these beautiful ones and was ok with my baby having down syndrome if that's what God wanted for us. He wouldn't bless us with this baby and then leave us along the road of raising her and being her parents. My trust was in Him.
So the kids and I went home and I made the calls to my mom and dad, sister and my best friend to let them know what happened and to ask for prayer.

My next post will be about our first Level 3 ultrasound and appointment with the genetic counselor and the results of all of that.

3/11/12 My first blog post.

So here I am. Stacy, Hope For The Day. Thanks to my awesome sister I have a name for my blog that is perfect. And thanks to some great friends at Grief Journeys, who encouraged me to start a blog to share my journey. Hope For The Day has 2 meanings. The first is the hope I have for the day my faith becomes sight and I get to see my sweet Hope Elna and my Jesus. The one who is bringing me through all of this. The second meaning is what Hope brings to each and everyday and the emotions, experiences, grief, pain, feelings, thoughts......all of it right here for everyone to read. Maybe through this I can help others who experience loss like we have. I am going to go back over everything that happened beginning when we found out we were expecting our 5th child and up until now. It will take some time to get through but I hope everyone sticks around to read.