Romans 8:26
...for the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
...groans that words cannot express
November 13th 2010-
Today I haven't felt Hope move. I tried eating, drinking juice and some water and it didn't work. It was still really hard to eat or drink enough. All I could think was my worst fear of Hope passing before delivery was possibly coming true. So Ernie and I decided it would be best to go over to the hospital to be monitored and make sure Hope was ok. It was such an unsettling drive to the hospital. When we were going over the bumps it felt like my belly was just sloshing around. It didn't feel right. I was so afraid she would pass away before we got to our due date. The most horrible worry and fear to have. Once we got there I was monitored some. We got to hear Hope's heartbeat. I felt a lot better after that. She was still holding on. Then the nurse started an IV. I was dehydrated. So she put a whole bag of fluids into me within an hour. I'm not sure why but there had been some talk of having a c-section so I wasn't allowed to eat or drink.
November 14th 2010-
Today my doctor was coming in to see how I was doing and to do an ultrasound to see how Hope was doing too. My best friend Kristen came up to the hospital to be with Ernie and I. Dr. V I'll call him, came in around 5pm. He used the hospital ultrasound machine. He decided we would do steriod shots to help Hope's lungs. I would have 1, then 12 hours later have the 2nd shot. Dr. V had talked like we might try to deliver her early. Ernie and I talked about either continuing on carrying Hope as long as possible or trying to deliver Hope to see if there would be anything that could be done to help her. I was at the point where I really wasn't able to eat much at all, I never felt good, I even had a hard time drinking the amount of fluids I was suppose to drink and it was getting to the point where I would probably have to stay in the hospital until Hope was born and my due date was still 2 months away.
November 15th 2010-
Kristen and I waited around today for Dr. V to come see me. He came around 5 again. He brought his nurses and ultrasound machine with him. The nurses got to my room first. His ultrasound tech started the scan while we were waiting for him. He had some preliminary results from the amnio. He told us that none of this was a chromosome problem which was fantastic news. But it would still be a little longer for the full results. Then Dr. V did the rest of the ultrasound. I had asked the nurse before Dr. V was there if they are able to see any type of respitory function on ultrasounds and she said no, not with ultrasound. But when Dr. V was doing the scan and looking at Hope and showing me how much she moves he got a little excited because he saw some movement of her chest wall which suggested some lung function and he pointed it out to the nurses! (This was a glimmer of hope we so wanted.) While he continued the scan I was talking to him about going ahead and delivering Hope to see what the doctors could do to help her. He said we should try and keep her in as long as possible to give her lungs every chance to develop. That we didn't want to add prematurity to an already sick baby. It really seemed like she was doing at least a little better and had a chance to be ok. He wanted me to keep Hope in at least until 36 weeks. Past that he said would be awesome!
So after we saw Dr. V I had a renewed resolution to keep Hope in as long as I could. No matter how hard it would be or how bad I wanted to be able to eat or be comfortable, Hope was my #1 concern and I would do everything I could to give my baby what she needed!
I had talked to Dr. V about being able to go home and he said I might have to stay in the hospital until it was time to deliver. My thoughts were that I couldn't stay in the hospital away from Becca, Angela, Audrey and Ernie. His reasoning was so Hope could be monitored everyday and if her health started to decline they could deliver ASAP. Because I had told him I was afraid of her passing away inside of me. He said I could go home as long as I could keep fluids going and eat. But to come back if anything was wrong. I stayed that night and saw my other doctor, Dr. J the next day.
November 16th 2010-
Dr. J came in to see me around 11am. We were so glad she came early. We talked about the results of the ultrasound the day before with Dr. V. And talked about me going home. She said I could but she wanted to see me every Monday. She said I could call her if I started getting uncomfortable again so we could do another fluid drain. Before we left, Kristen and I got to meet Dr. Delion who is one of the neonatalogists at the hospital. (Ernie was able to get some work done while Kristen stayed with me and mom was with the kids.) Dr. Delion talked about what they would do to help Hope after she was born. He said some pretty healthy babies could decline fast and babies that are pretty sick can be fighters. So we just didn't know what could happen until Hope was born. He said they would do everything they could for her.
November 18th 2010-
Since I was home mom, Lil E and I were going to go have Thanksgiving lunch with Angela. It was nice being able to spend time with her. Afterwards we went to Walmart to pick up some stuff. On the way Mercy Me's song I Can Only Imagine came on the radio. I tried to sing it but all I could do was cry. I was overcome by emotions. I told mom that Hope would possibly experience what is in the song soon. That she would possibly be singing praise to the Almighty.
When we got home I relaxed. I went to the bathroom and had some bloody discharge. I didn't think much of it until I went again and there was more. I talked to mom and Ernie about it and decided to call Dr. J and let her know. She said it sounds like some of my mucus plug was starting to come out and told me to take it easy and watch for a gush or trickle of water. When I went to bed I was having some cramping but didn't think anything of it because usually when I went to sleep the cramping would stop. With all of the excess fluid I had gotten pretty used to cramping.
(Looking back now #1 I wish I had stayed in the hospital a couple more days and #2 I should have headed to the hospital when I started having the discharge.) So we all went to bed not having any idea that Hope's birth was upon us...
My next post will be about Hope's birth.
"Sometimes He calms the storm, with a whisper peace, be still. He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild! Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child."
~Sometimes He Calms The Storm by Scott Krippayne
