Here I am...

Here I am...sitting on the precipice of letting her go. Things are kind of ok now. I no longer feel like everyone I meet needs to know that we lost our precious baby or that they need to know our story. Hope is sacred! Hope is ours! Hope was here and she is real! But even more important, she is safe, loved and happy. I'm finally feeling like its ok to not let our loss rule over me. That it's ok to be happy again and enjoy the life we have. And that it's ok to not feel guilty anymore. 

Although none of this means I will ever forget her or forget all that's happened. Or that I will stop noticing the gaping hole in our family that was left by her passing. It's all changed me and shaped me into who I am now. That hole is always there staring at me, reminding me. Nope, forgetting is impossible!!!

Just like a couple of weeks ago I took a picture of our 4 earthly kids at the lake. They were all kneeling on a bench and looking out over the water. After I took the pictures I went back to look at them and saw an empty spot right next to Audrey that just naturally was there on its own. A spot that should be filled with a chubby little toddler with long brown hair. A beautiful little girl that should be here to wrap her sweet little arms around us. Hope should be here calling me mommy, nestled at my breast, getting spoiled by her siblings, telling us what color is her favorite, coloring us pictures, making up her own adorable funny versions of words, cheering her sister on at cross country meets, cuddling with her daddy and keeping him warm like our 4 other kiddos have when they were little. But for now, we can only imagine and dream of doing those things. How I long for the day when I can hear her voice when she finally calls me mommy. I want to look at her face and tell her all the things this mommy has desperately wanted to tell her baby....

Almost 3 years ago I never thought this moment or these feelings could come. I read that it can take up to 3 years for all the different phases of grief to take their course. Reading that, a week away from Hope's departure from my womb to a very short 32 minutes on earth and then into Jesus' arms...how could I possibly live 3 years??!! Let alone the rest of my life in such agony?!! What would I do?? How could I do this?? Why did I have to do this? Why me? Why our family? Why so much hurt, emptiness, brokenness?Who am I and who Am I in Christ since this? Who is this woman that's still suppose to be a wife, mom and friend? How in the world was I going to fulfill all of the demands and normal day to day needs that my family and everyone else had for me when I was filled with a yearning for Hope so strong it seemed I might die before it could possibly get better? And why so many unanswered questions? Having to live with all of the things a woman's body goes through after having a baby and having no baby to need those things is just as hard as the loss. It's a cruel physical reminder that the baby that was meant to be nurtured isn't there to need nurturing! A cruel reminder that the baby I prayed over, carried for 32 weeks and wanted so badly to hold and love was gone.  If there was an easy button for this part I would have gladly used it! 

All I've known is being a mommy. My biggest fear has always been the possibility of losing one of my children and that fear became a reality. I still don't know exactly why such a tragedy is a part of our family and journey. And I'd like to say I embrace every possible moment now or hug my kids a little longer or make the most of everything with them. I sure try. Especially moments when I know I need their hugs or they need mine. But sometimes life is still so hard to get a hold on. The damage is done and sometimes it still hurts just a little too much to fully love and live. But I am sure trying and catching small glimpses of the beauty that God gives everyday. And everyday those small glimpses seem to grow a little more. They come in the form of laughter, smiles, fun, enjoyment and beauty within my family and friends. The real kind of laughter that makes you lose your breath and cry tears of merriment. The kind of smile that doesn't have to be faked so everyone on the outside thinks your fine when your truly dying inside. It's a real smile that's not masking the hurt from the loss. The kind of fun, enjoyment and beauty that only comes from God when He peels back some layers of calluses that are built up on the heart that's been shut off and closed down for too long. It's beating again. Breaking free! One beautiful moment at a time! Sometimes that's scary but more and more it is freeing this broken heart to live and truly be alive! 

Beautiful moments:

Mothers Day Name Event

Remembering these precious babies. <3

Birth Day

Well, I think I've put this off long enough. For some reason I just didn't want to sit down and put this in my blog. I've been completely stuck on this part for the last 2 years. Trying to come to terms with it all. Trying to find healing and reason as to why it happened the way it did. Trying to find nuggets of peace. So that in my heart and everyday life I can start to be a part of life again. I can truly live in the beautiful moments that are right in front of me every single day.
Today is a beautiful day and I feel that I am moving in an important direction in my grief journey. And this is part of it. I'm going to take what I wrote in my Hope journal and put it right here. Might add some stuff here and there. Hindsight kind of stuff.


November 19th 2010
Hope's Birthday

We had no idea that today would be Hope's birthday. I woke up around 2:20am and started to roll over off of my right side to my left so I could go to the restroom. When I got to my left side I felt a huge gush. My water broke. It was everywhere. The amount of fluid from having polyhydramnios was just crazy. We had the head of the bed raised to help with heartburn and help relieve some of the pressure on my lungs from the fluid. And even though the head of the bed was higher the fluid still came up under my shoulder. So, I call to Ernie and tell him my water broke. He jumped out of bed and was next to me within seconds. I was in shock! It was too soon! Exactly 2 months before my due date of January 19th 2011. I called my mom from the other room and the girls came with her and I told them my water broke. As all of this is happening Ernie is getting me into sweatpants and a shirt since my jammies were soaked. I just kind of stood there not knowing what to do. Again, I was in shock. I was saying stuff about not wanting to get amniotic fluid everywhere and Ernie just knew it was time to get dressed and get to the hospital. During this time I also texted my best friend to let her know what was going on.

After I was dressed and we were getting ready to get in the truck Becca said she wanted to go. I should have let her. We should have loaded everyone up and just went to do this together. My mind was so clouded with everything going on. I didn't want the girls to miss any school. I think that was one of the only things at that time I could have some control over. But now I look back and know school didn't matter. They should have been there with us. My heart breaks thinking about it. They could have seen their sister alive and held her.

When Ernie and I were driving to the hospital I called my high risk doctor to let her know my water broke. She said to go to the closest hospital if I didn't think I would make it to Corpus. The closest hospital is in Alice. 20 minutes away. She said she would get me to her if there was time. Not long after we left the house I told Ernie I didn't think I would make it through the drive to Alice. He asked if I wanted him to stop at the ambulance and I said no. And we debated driving all of the way to Corpus which is a little over an hour away. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep from delivering Hope for that long and she couldn't be born vaginally. The drive to Alice seemed so long. I wasn't really in pain. But I was having mild contractions. When we got to the hospital Ernie dropped me off at the emergency enterance and he went and parked the truck. I had to check in with the emergency department before I could go up to labor and delivery. As they were getting my information, mind you I was already preregistered and had already been there a few times, I started to feel sick. I told them I was going to throw up and they started scrambling to find something for me but it took them too long. Yes, I unfortunately got sick on the floor in front of everyone. Ick! With my other kids, right before transition I would get sick and throw up. So this is what I thought was happening and I figured it wouldn't be long before I would deliver her. And they were still taking forever getting my info. I had to sit down beacuse I felt like fainting. Ernie was getting really irritated that it was taking so long for them to get me checked in and he asked if he could just go ahead and take me to L&D himself. Finally, they finish and we get to go upstairs.

They put me right into a room. Since we were suppose to deliver in Corpus with our high risk doctors this hospital had no idea what was going on with Hope and that we had decided weeks before that she would be born by c-section because it was what was safest for her. The nurse handed me a gown to change into and asked me if I was sure my water had broken. I told her I was positive! After I was all changed we started filling her in on all of the stuff that was going on with Hope. She checked my cervix and I was dilated 5-6 centimeters. They paged my doctor that I saw originally when we first started prenatal care and he was on his way. This is the doctor that had sent us to the high risk doctors. They started an IV and antibiotics because I was beta strep positive. The nurse that started my IV scared us quite a bit. She was trying to take some blood and then start the IV but as she was doing this I was bleeding all over. She had used an open ended suringe. It was a mess. And it was placed in my right arm in the fold of my arm. After she was finally done the anesthesiologist came in and told us he would put me to sleep for the c-section. We said ok and signed the paperwork. When my doctor got there he filled us in on all of the c-section information. Then he said Ernie wouldn't be able to be in the delivery room with me since it was an emergency c-section. We couldn't believe it. I needed him there with me! Right before I was wheeled into delivery I told Ernie to stay with Hope and take care of our baby. We were told there was an ambulance on it's way to pick up Hope and take her to the childrens hospital where the neonatal doctors were.

I was moved onto the delivery table and the nurses and doctors got everything set up. I was starting to freak out some. I was starting to get scared. Scared of the surgery, scared for Hope, scared because Ernie wasn't next to me. I prayed and asked God to help me calm down. I was given some oxygen and told to take some deep breathes. I realized if I didn't calm down I might hyperventilate. So I focused on calming down and breathing normal. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery area with 2 nurses doing stuff around me...

When I started to wake up I remembered where I was. So I started asking the nurses some questions. I wanted to ask about Hope but didn't ask right away because I was scared to find out if she made it. The one nurse was telling me I had lost a lot of blood so they were going to give me more blood. She didn't say a lot but said my doctor would talk to me about it. Then I asked her about my baby. She told the other nurse I was asking about my baby. She came over and said "I'm sorry, but your baby didn't make it. " Worst sentence I have ever heard! She told me that Hope was behind the curtain next to my bed and that I could see her and hold her whenever I was ready. I was very sad that Hope didn't make it but I didn't cry. It was all so new and hadn't become reality yet.

Ernie had gone downstairs to bring my best friend up to where we were. I remember thinking it didn't take her very long at all to get to me. Then they said it was 6:00 in the morning. It was almost 4 hours since my water had broken! I was out for almost 3 hours from the surgery and blood loss! I missed everything that happened with Hope!! Everything! Because I was asleep...

My doctor came in to talk to me. He said Hope's umbilical cord was very short. About 4-5 inches long. So when my water broke and she moved into the birth canal her short umbilical cord pulled the placenta away from the uterin wall. So I was bleeding internally. He said he removed almost 2 liters of blood and blood clots during surgery! Hindsight: This is the reason for the throwing up and getting light headed when we first got to the emergency room.

After my doctor left it was time for me to see Hope. And I'm so glad I wrote all of this down because now I don't remember most of it. Just bits and pieces. I don't remember holding her. Thank God for family, friends and pictures that prove I did!
Ernie brought Hope to me. She was so beautiful! And her face was so peaceful. I held her for a little bit but had to have Ernie take her because I was in and out of sleep. I was beyond exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open. I wish I was able to hold her more, look at her sweet little toes, hold her little fingers, smell her hair, kiss her, tell her things that only a mommy can tell her daughter...

Hope Elna Lockhart lived for 32 minutes and was in her daddies arms when she went to be with Jesus. I like to think about what it must have looked like in the room they were in. Gods angels surrounding them. Helping my husband be there for our sweet baby when she needed him most because mommy couldn't be there. Jesus welcoming her into his arms and telling her how much her mommy and daddy love her and wanted her. And that someday she will see us again. That she won't have to live through the hurts, pains and dissapointments that come with living on this earth. No, she is free and whole and having a blast with our Father. There are no words that can express the beauty of that.
Sometimes, because we are human, it is really hard to find the comfort in that. To find comfort in anything. During those days of complete brokeness and empty arms that physically ache and long to hold my baby. You don't just feel the pain it in your heart. Nope, it is everywhere, all consuming and affects everything. But thank God that all gets a little bit easier to live with. We have to learn how to live without a part of our family. A part of our hearts. It will never ever be completely ok until the day when I see Hope again and can hear her call me mommy. But I'm trying and taking steps forward that I didn't think I'd be able to take these last 2 years. My cup runeth over...

Every now and then
When the world sits just right
A gentle breath of heaven
Fills my soul with delight
~ Hazelmarie "Mattie" Elliot

When we start to count the flowers, we cease to count the weeds.
When we start to count blessings, we cease to count needs.
When we start to count laughter, we cease to count tears.
When we start to count memories, we cease to count years.