blogged since March. It's been sitting in this draft folder for a while now. I kind of feel
like it's repetitive of what I posted before. I seem to have some kind of block about the
appointment we had with the genetic counselor. I'm having a really hard time taking
myself back to that moment. I wrote a journal entry the same day after we got home
from the appointment. But I didn't go into a lot of detail about what was said...I'm not
sure I remember most of it. I remember going in there feeling like something had
changed for the better, hoping among all hopes that my baby was better. But hearing
that things were worse than before was terrible. I wanted her to be ok. I guess looking
back now it was really hitting me that I wasn't going to be able to bring my baby home
with us.
"Butterflies are the stained glass windows of summer, shining in gentleness and grace,
lighter than the wind and brighter then the sun."
Life has so many pleasures and joys, sometimes in the smallest creatures we can find
the most beauty.
11/4/2010 2nd Level 3 Ultrasound
Today is the day we see the Genetic Counselor and have another ultrasound to see how
Hope is doing. My mom and best friend Kristen are here to go with us. It turned out to
be a very hard morning. Hope has shown 2 weeks worth of growth which is great but
still has all the problems she had before plus a couple extras that were noticed. While I
was having the ulrasound I almost passed out from laying on my back for too long. The
fluid has increased unfortunately.
After the ultrasound we met with the doctor (Genetic Counselor). He said they
couldn't see Hope's stomach and that her anus was enlarged. Her "plumbing" might not
be working right. They aren't very optimistic about her surviving after birth and
possibly not even to delivery day.
I really went in there thinking things had changed. The doctor said since we had an
appointment with a high risk doctor we wouldn't have anymore ultrasounds with them.
But that they were there if we needed them. That they were a resource for us.
It's so hard taking all of that in. At this point I've realized we need to prepare ourselves
for what could happen. Possibly having to say goodbye to our baby. I've started to
question if it's because I don't have enough faith. But above all, God has a plan.
11/6 & 7/2010
The weekend was long. The amniotic fluid is making me so uncomfortable. I called the
high risk doctors office to see if I could get an appointment sooner than the 17th. I
called them on Friday the 5th. So they rescheduled me for November 8th at 3:00
instead. I was so glad. I told them I wanted to come in to see about getting fluid
drained because I was so uncomfortable. It actually got to the point where it felt like
the inside top of my uterus was tearing. It hurt. I was so glad they rescheduled my
appointment. All I had to do was get through the weekend.
As I had previously said in my last post we had decided against an amnio so we
wouldn't have to add prematurity on top of everything else that was going on. But at
this point the fluid had built up so much and was causing me pain and I wasn't able to
eat, drink enough or even sit normally. So we decided it was time to see what could be
done. We knew my uterus wouldn't be able to hold out much longer with the pressure
from the fluid. And I wasn't able to stay hydrated or eat. My mom was extremely
worried at this point.
11/8/2010 First appointment with high risk doctor. This is where everything started
getting crazy.
When we got to the appointment it took a while to be called back. We went into an
office with a nurse and answered some questions. Mostly about my health history and
all of my previous pregnancies. Then she took us into an ultrasound room. We got to
watch the whole ultrasound on a TV. It was neat. The tech was very fast. When she
was done we waited a couple minutes to see Dr. Johnson. She came in to explain that
we have a very sick baby. She asked if we had already heard all that she told us and we
said yes. I told her we had seen the genetic counselor 2 times. She talked about the
possible results of the gentic testing. If it came back that Hope had a chromosome
problem then there was nothing they would do to try and help her after she was born.
But if it was genetic then they would do all they could. We let her know that no matter
what we wanted everything possible done to help our baby. But if it came down to it we
wanted every second possible with her. We wanted her to be in our arms if Jesus was
to call her home. We also asked about a c-section. She wasn't sure yet if we would need
one. That we would know more once the results of the amnio came back. She said
if Hope had a chomosome problem they would have me deliver vaginally and Hope
would most likely pass during delivery. That wasn't ok with us. I told her that no matter
what I wanted to have a c-section to give Hope the best chance possible. I would not
have her pass away during delivery if I could help it. Even just to have a few precious
moments with her. Whatever amount of time I could get I would take!
She let us know she would do an amnio today to get fluid for the genetic testing and
that she would drain quite a bit to make me more comfortable. I was relieved we didn't
have to schedule another appointment to get it done. The nurse got everything ready.
Dr. Johnson and the ultrasound tech came back in. They decided on the best spot to
drain the fluid from. Then came the needle through the skin and everything else.
She told me there was a chance that my water could break when they put the needle
through. Since I had so much fluid and my bag of water was so full. Thank God it
didn't. After she got the fluid for the testing she continued to drain fluid. She didn't get
much out before I felt like I was going to throw up. I did. She said she was going to
remove the tube and stop the draining because she couldn't keep going with me
throwing up. That the throwing up is a sign of labor. Unfortunately, not much was
drained. She had me turn on my left side to try and recover. But I had this continual
tightening all over my uterus and started having cramping that was spreading across
my lower back. So, Dr. Johnson decided to send me over to the hospital to be
monitored. Her and the nurse talked about having me stay at the hospital until
Wednesday when she wanted to drain more fluid to make me more comfortable. So we
headed over to the hospital. We found out too that this was the hospital that she delivers
so this would be where Hope was going to be born.
Once we got to the hospital they put me into my own room. They figured Dr. Johnson
would want me to stay. They hooked me up to the monitors. I was having contractions
and was in some pain. They started me on Breathine to stop the contractions. It started
out with 3 shots for the next 3 hours and then pills every 3 hours after that to wipe out
the contractions. The shots made my heart race. The plan was to try and drain more
fluid on Wednesday. I needed some time to recover and get the contractions under
control. Also, they couldn't keep Hope on the monitor because she was moving around
so much. Dr. Johnson was surprised she moved so much. So they would just come in
and spot check her every 4 hours. Thankfully the contractions were stopped.
They had the baby warming table in the room and the little moving bed they put the
baby in in the bathroom. Those were very hard to look at. I probably should have asked
them to take them out.
11/10/2011 30 weeks pregnant Second try at draining fluid
Dr. Johnson, her nurses and an ultrasound tech came in around lunch time to try and
drain more fluid. But she called ahead to make sure I was given some Stadol in my IV
to help me get through the amnio. It started working immediately. My eyes got really
heavy and I was really warm. I was laying there with my eyes closed still listening
to everything when Dr. Johnson came in and said "Wow, asleep already" to Ernie.
I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "Not quite". It was pretty funny. So they
started the draining. I asked if I could see what it looks like and they said yes. My
favorite nurse said it looks like Shiner Bock and we all laughed except Dr. Johnson.
She didn't know what Shiner was. So the nurses told her. I was talking and joking with
them through the whole thing. It started to hurt some and she asked me if I wanted her
to stop. I said no, that I have a pretty high pain tolerance and she agreed. They took
out 1 and a half liters of amniotic fluid! After this I was released to go home even
though I was throwing up quite a bit. I was put on bedrest to recover from the
amnio.
I was happy to be going home. On our drive home from the hospital we were listening
to the local christian music station. There was somone who called in and the DJ was
reading Footprints In The Sand. I have heard it many times yet this time it really touched
me. Right now on the beach of my life there is 1 set of footprints and those belong to
Jesus. He is carrying me through all that is going on right now with us and Hope. When
I heard it I just started crying. I couldn't help it. The floodgates opened and all these
built up emotions just came out. It felt good to cry and know Jesus was with me. Plus
I really missed my kids. So I was anxious to see them and hug them. Also, I didn't
really feel or look like my tummy was much smaller after the fluid was drained. But
I was a little more comfortable.
Psalms 139:13-17
For You formed my inward parts. You covered me in my mothers womb. I will praise
You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my
soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret
and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance
being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for
me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious are Your thoughts for me O
God! How great is the sum of them.
In my next post I will write about the next hospitalization
because I wasn't feeling Hope move.
